What Is Emotional Intelligence?

ACCORDING TO THE LATEST RESEARCH, it is the social and emotional aspects of learning – i.e., Emotional Intelligence (EQ) - that determine a child’s happiness, security and future success in life far more than a person's physical prowess, educational accomplishments, or professional status. Studies show that connection, interconnectedness, and the quality of our relationships is still the most important thing in life, and the happiest, healthiest and most contented people are those who have well developed social skills and emotional skills. Emotional Intelligence encompasses a wide range of skills that children of all ages can develop and improve. The different components of EQ include:

Naming Emotions
Young children feel a variety of emotions and often do not understand how they feel or have the words to express themselves. Negative behavior often results when children do not understand how they feel. When a child does not name or understand his emotions, he may have trouble getting what he wants and acting in positive ways. Parents should give their children words to use, such as ‘frustration’, ‘scared’, ‘angry’, and ‘nervous’ so they can express and use their emotions in positive ways. In a group situation, children can be told, “Robert is feeling very sad today so let’s try to help him feel better.” Or, “Jackie is unhappy because she fell down and hurt herself. What do you think we could do to help her feel better?”

Soothing Negative Emotions
Emotions can be painful and often overwhelming for young children. They need help soothing themselves when they are hurt or upset. If your child is hurt you should validate his or her experience. Rather than telling them, “it doesn’t hurt”, you should confirm that the pain exists. Sympathy and concern should be shown when children are in distress. Young children also need words to express how they feel in order to develop control over their negative emotions.

Using Anger in a Positive Manner
Anger can be positive or negative, productive or destructive. When children get angry, it is a sign that they are uncomfortable with something that is happening to them. Children need help and guidance in learning to separate healthy from unhealthy feelings and in turning negative feelings into positive ones. First, a child’s anger must be recognized and identified by the parent. Give your child the words to ask appropriately for what he wants. Sympathize with their frustration, and at the same time be clear with them that inappropriate or aggressive behavior will not result in them getting what they want.

Understanding and Empathizing with Others
Understanding how others feel is crucial in forming friendships and developing relationships with people around us. Children can only learn how to sympathize with other people when understanding and sympathy is shown to them. So it is important to talk to your child about your own feelings. For example, “I am happy because I spoke to an old friend today.” You can also help your child other’s emotions by teaching them how to respond to a child in distress. “Maddie is angry because she is not playing with you. Why don’t you ask her to join in the game?”

Controlling Anxiety and Nervousness
Children often face tremendous stress, leading to anxiety, insecurity and nervousness. Children need to learn that a specific problem is causing their anxiety and need help figuring out what needs to be fixed. A trusting, caring relationship is vital to help a child feel secure and protected. Guide your child to understand what is causing the problem, and give him words to express his thoughts. Calming techniques, such as deep breathing and relaxing muscles, can be used to refocus her and help her deal with a problem.