       |
|
Parenting
With Passion: Part 5 - The Natural Highs of Parenting To read part 4 of this series, click here
Feelings of amazement and awe are common place in mothering. When my kids were babies, my days were filled with moments of uncomprehending delight and awe at the being that only weeks before was in my belly. My babies’ beauty seemed miraculous to me. Every nook and cranny of their body - another evocation of awe. The way my baby’s knees bend, toes curl, and arms flail – each miraculous. Most parents can still catch glimpses of their toddlers and teenagers in this way. I remember the first time my husband and I saw the ultrasound of my son. We went to an Indian restaurant and looked at the photos. I stammered, “How did this happen? Where did this come from? How am I doing this?” There was no way of understanding how a baby with all the makings of a human being with a heart where it was supposed to be and major organs already in place got in my belly. It was a full blown mystery. I read a lot of books on embryology and the science of fetal development, but nothing came close to explaining what was happening. The scientific explanations reminded me of the time I saw a documentary on the history channel about a non-miraculous explanation for how the Red Sea parted to let the Israelites into the promised land. A scientist, using a box a few feet long filled with water, demonstrated that if all the right conditions existed at precisely the right moment, the Red Sea could have parted by natural forces alone. He used a huge fan blowing on the small tray of water and simulations of other natural conditions including an earthquake to show that he could part the water in his small tray. In addition to the absurdity of recreating the parting of the Red Sea on such a small scale, the major question was left unanswered. How could all of these natural forces synchronize themselves at the same time, precisely coordinated to the moment the Israelites were in desperate need of the parting of the Red Sea? Surely if you were inclined to explain the parting of the Red Sea as a historical fact, you would have to recognize the supernatural element of the timing. And so it is with understanding where babies come from. Sure we can explain how it happens, and what happens anatomically to the woman and fetus. And yet there is a great leap. Perhaps Chris Rock said it well when he tells the story of receiving the gift of a necklace his son made from pasta noodles and green paint. He is given to remark on what a masterpiece this necklace was for someone who had been a sperm in his testicle just a few short years earlier. Nothing can really explain how that happens. The
Face of God So why did one woman stammer as she said, “Sometimes I’m overwhelmed with the intensity of love I feel for my daughter” and why was she met with silence as if she had thrown out an embarrassing non sequitur? When mothers talk, they talk about feedings, diaper changes, poop color, the details of their labor and delivery, but we find it difficult to talk about what is essential to be being a mother: the new openings of love, ways of loving, feelings of love that are so much bigger than anything we have ever felt before. One seasoned mother and grandmother said to me when I was pregnant: “When you’re pregnant you know that you will love your baby, but nothing can really prepare you for how much you will feel once they are here.” It was the only hint I had that even the enormous intensity of love I felt for my unborn child wouldn’t match the day-to-day feelings of love for my son after he was born. It wasn’t just the enormity of the love, it was the new variances, all the different types of loving that would flash across my being in a few short moments. There was the most serious of loves. I remember what a psychology professor had said about heroin: That John Belushi had said that taking heroin was like kissing the face of God. I remember finding that tempting and thinking that I would never take heroin but it sounded like an experience I would like to have. And now I have it so many times a day – not from heroin mind you. Kissing my son and daughter feels like that. I
Got You Babe What mother hasn’t been exhilarated by her child’s insistence: “I need mama” or “I want mama.” While we sometimes resent the intense neediness of our kids, most of us - some of the time - melt when our kids let us know we mean the world to them. Quite literally, we may be the whole world to our children. If we can open to receive the love of our children so freely and easily offered it can be quite a high. It may come as a huge surprise that the love you have been searching for your whole life comes so easily every day. If before you felt alone or isolated, now you have company at every turn. Most mothers of young children can’t even go to the bathroom alone, let alone waste away in alienated angst. If you have ever felt invisible, now you will be center stage all day, every day. If you’ve ever felt you were whirling through the world, unmoored at every turn, now you have these kids who hold on so tight and look at you with eyes of adoration. I’m not saying that you should get all your unmet needs taken care of through your kids, but that if you can open to receive their love, it can be intoxicating. Parenting with passion means relishing the day-to-day highs of being loved by our kids. Don’t just dismiss the sloppy kisses and loving hugs by saying, “oh they’re just my kids.” Inhale deeply the love that is always in the air. Set aside time just to feel the love that is part and parcel of mothering every single day. The constant infusion of being loved and loving can change the way you see the whole world. Maybe before you had kids, you thought the world was governed by a survival of the fittest mentality. You had to work hard to get where you are going, and keep up with the constant demands for climbing up some ladder of your choosing. As a parent, you may see the world so differently. Suddenly, the world may seem imbued with an ambient light of love that keeps people going. Suddenly the world isn’t about getting things and going somewhere. I remember before I was a parent, and I used to see celebrities on TV shows saying that being a parent was the best thing in their life and all their money and fame meant little in comparison. I was always completely convinced they were full of crap. “Yeah right”, I thought, “anyone can have a baby, but only a very few get to be rich and famous.” I heard Denzel Washington say that acting used to be his whole life, but that after he had kids, acting was only a way to make a living. I thought it was pure drivel. After having kids, I whole heartedly believe him and every other celebrity who says the same. The high of being loved
by your child isn’t just about being center stage in their lives. It’s
directly related to your deep knowing that your children are the most
exquisite beings on the face of the earth. To be loved by this child who
is so full of magic, and who came from such a mystery, and introduced
you to the holiness of the world - that becomes the meaning that pervades
the deepest fibers of your own being. To listen to Dr. Honos-Webb's internet radio interview with IP Editor in Chief, Sandie Sedgbeer, click here... SPECIAL NOTE: As an expert in ADHD, Lara has created a number of FREE video tips and tools and uploaded them to YouTube. To access these, please click on the links below: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyD41IhOqsY © Lara Honos-Webb, PhD, 2008
|
STRANGELY
ENOUGH, THE DIRTY LITTLE SECRET
of parenting is how it opens up something in us that we never knew was
there. Deranged women talk openly about this in the moments and days following
giving birth. It never goes away, this thing we talk about after birth,
but we stop talking about it so much. 
LARA
HONOS-WEBB, PhD., is a clinical psychologist licensed
in California. She is author of The Gift of ADHD and Listening to
Depression: How Understanding Your Pain Can Heal Your Life which
was selected by Health Magazine as one of the best therapy books of
2006. The Gift of ADHD Activity Book: 101 Ways To Transform Problems
into Strengths and The Gift of Adult ADD were released
in 2008. Her work has been featured in Newsweek, The Wall Street Journal,
The Chicago Tribune and Publisher's Weekly, ivillage.com, msn.com, abcnews.com
as well as newspapers across the country and local and national radio
and television. Her books have over 125,000 copies in print. The American
Psychiatric Association included The Gift of ADHD (2005) in
its recommended reading list in their “ADHD Parents Medication Guide.”
She specializes in the treatment of ADHD and depression and the psychology
of pregnancy and motherhood; she speaks regularly on her areas of expertise.
Honos-Webb completed a two-year postdoctoral research fellowship at
University of California, San Francisco, and has been an assistant professor
teaching graduate students. She has published more than 25 scholarly
articles. Visit her website at | About Us | Advisory Panel | IP Radio Show | Links | Resources | Contact Us |